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User blog:THEJJRAT/The Adrian Shephard Chronicles
adrian goes on a wild ride Adriancraft 1954, two months before the Resonance Cascade Corporal Adrian Shephard of the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit was at a Black Mesa research facility in New Zealand, because H.E.C.U. and Mobile Task Force "Nine-Tailed Fox" were sent to steal all the hotdogs from said Zealand. Shephard, Adelaide (the medic guy), and Dampnuts (the minigun guy) just entered a built in Zaxby's within the facility, and sat down on a table made out of human bones. It was the Bone Table 9000, invented by Dr. Gordon Freeman. Adrian pulled out his tablet and plugged in his earphones, watching Bronies React while Adelaide got up because he forgot to order food. Suddenly, Big Smoke entered the room. "I'm gon' smoke yo asses" he said as he opened fire at the scientists in the Zaxby's. Paul Blart, former mall cop turned Black Mesa security guard, sprung into action and ran into Smoke with his segway, biting his balls and growling like a dog. "This is going to be a tough mission, ey Shep? New Zealand sure protects it's hotdogs. Gonna be worse than the time we attacked the Rabbit Association of Zimbabwe." Dampnuts said. "Yeah...." Adrian said in a soft tone, drooling over the Living Tombstone. Adelaide returned, with three platters of holy food balanced on his head, ass, and left hand. "here ya go my sirs" he said, dropping a gorgeous platter of Zaxby's chicken tenders, two cups of Zaxby's sauce, a slice of toast, a chicken sandwich, and a junior sized cup of Nuka Cola. Dampnuts got a bowl of dalia with bits of fried chicken in it, a blue buffalo zalad, and the fried white cheddar bites. And Adelaide just had a boneless wings meal. "Thanks." said Adrian, grabbing his sandwich while his eyes were glued to the screen. "I'm FUCKIN' GAY" said Blart, flying across the room and entering another dimension when he collided with the wall. Adrian bit into the burger, as Adelaide sat his plate down and sat back down onto his chair. His teeth colliding with the chicken instantly created an orgasm inducing crunch sound as he bit into it, before Mario and Luigi appeared. "YOUSA COME WITH ME MOTHERFUCKER" said Mario, who grabbed Adrian and threw him into a portal to Minecraft. Dampnuts ulled out his minigun, but he could not save Adrian before the brothers vanished and the portal closed. "hwat" said Adelaide. Meanwhile, Adrian found himself on the planet Minecraftia. "WEESA GONE AT U" said Mario. "MARIO CAN WE EAT EM PLEEEEEZ" "NO YOU FUCKING INPATIENT SHITFACE ABORTION FUCKWAD WE NEEDA WAIT! HE NEEDS TO BE PROPERLY SEASONED!" the brothers argued, before being hit by a meteor and instantly dying. Adrian was then attacked by a large pig. "I'm gonna succ ur dongg" said the pig. This is when Adrian promptly shot him in the face, instantly killing him as his body poofed into a cloud. Adrian watched in awe as his soul descended into the Spaghettiverse. He then mined 2939292939293923909293929392832873982937619723098230192830198301983013980291830138903978 diamonds with his wrench, before a portal opened behind him. "ADRIAN ITS YOU" yelled Hockpit Shrkakl Shephard, Mitchell Shephard from an alternate universe who came here on accident, looking for his lost brother, Adrian Shrkakl Shephard. He brutally embraced Adrian, causing him a heckle. "who the fuck are you" asked Adrian. This caused Hockpit to sob and run away, giving time to allow Adrian to set the portal's end location to Black Mesa, forever stranding Hockpit there. The Star Wars I Was a shamchat thing Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Holy shit how long have I been in stasis Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Long enough, I would say. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): There's people with fucking laser blasters and light thingies Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): And spaceships Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Does Black Mesa even exist anymore Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): ...Black What? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): It was a science place. I was sent there to kill the scientists because of a cascade or something. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): But then a bunch of aliens broke out and killed my squad Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): What race of aliens, were you able to tell? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Uh, one of the scientists said "vortigaunts" and "headcrabs". Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Describe them? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Vortigaunts were like us, but with a hunched back. They had two fingers, one eye and a round head, and an arm coming out of their damn belly like wtf Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): And the headcrabs were giant... crabs that jumped on your head and turned you into a zombie. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *nods, rapidly inputting the data into a handheld device that looks like nothing so much as a bastardized smartphone* Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Don't know their name, but there were also little green dog things that had giant eyes. They would make a noise that... well, it hurt, and then it made a fuckin' energy burst or whatever and make me fall on my ass. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *nods again, silently, still typing* Tell me something. What is a "crab," exactly? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): They were fish, I think. Dad used to catch them for dinner when I was a kid. These things were... fleshy. They walked on five claws, and had no eyes. They sorta looked like a raw chicken. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): I see. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Back on the Mesa event, after my squad was dead and shit hit the fan, the Black Ops were sent in. They planted a nuke. A really big nuke. Then shit went down homie Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): So what brought you to Naboo? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): After I disarmed the nuke, this guy I saw during bootcamp appeared. He literally froze time, telling me he was interested in me. Said I did a good job for killing those aliens. Then he kept me. Like a trophy. In space. With some guy in a HEV suit. All I remember is waking up here. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): ........Right. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): So... uh, guessing humanity has already did the space colonization thing, where's Earth? Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc):............................................Where?! Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): What the hell kind of a name for a planet is Earth? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Uh.. In the Milky Way? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Don't tell me he sent me to another galaxy... Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): It would appear so. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Dammit... Well, I guess this gas mask and gun would fetch for some... whatever they use for money around here. Maybe they have a military I can join again... Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Naboo does not; they're a pacifist planet. You want a military, go and find the First Order or the Resistance. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Well, where do I get one of those UFO things? Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): That depends on what model you opt for. I know Corellia and Nubia are known for their starships. Mine is a modified Corellian YT-2000. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): And as for currency, the phrase you're looking for is Republic dataries. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Welp, guess it's time to finish college. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): That, you can do here on Naboo. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): House, maybe? I'm tired and this vest is gonna make my legs collapse. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Applications for refugee housing are in that building. *points* Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Okay, thanks. Also, what's the name? Might wanna remember that when you're the first person I've met in the last.. lots of years. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): My name? Darth Trayous. I'm--or at least, I was--a Sith Lord. Regardless of technicality I consider myself one still. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Don't know what that is, but I'm Adrian. Corporal Adrian Shephard. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *nods in greeting* It's nice to meet you, then. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): You too. Oh, and you seemed interested in those aliens I met back in Black Mesa. Grabbed some research papers back there to pass the time. Figured you'd want it, I have no use for it now. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): I was interested in case they were species I recognized. But if you're from another galaxy there's very little point. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Oh, thought you were a scientist. This might also be worth something, then. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): I'm far from. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Though, there is stuff about another dimension. Think this place would probably be able to travel there. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Unless you just mean jumping to hyperspace you're out of luck. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Stargate and Doctor Who has gotten my expectations for the future a bit high. Those are TV shows. Assuming you still use TV. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): ...What makes you so sure this is the future? Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): At least, the distant future. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Well, back home we used swords. Made of metal. Here? You use plastic sticks with a laser sticking out of it. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *scoffs* Plastic?! Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *pulls his saberstaff from his belt* This is hand-machined aluminum! Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Oh. Looks shiny enough to be plastic. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): That's because it's black-anodized. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): And you're throwing shit at me when I just woke up here. Well, I did that with you, but you were interested. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): ...I'm using basic metalworking terms. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): And everything else I brought up was because you asked. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): And I grew up with a fisherman. Smithing ain't my thing. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Point is, it's black and pretty. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Would look nice on a shelf. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Looks better on the battlefield. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): wouldn't you be focusing on the enemy and not staring at some guys sword Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): That depends... *smirks, carefully igniting both ends of the weapon* On the sword. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): That looks extremely dangerous to the user Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): You could cut yourself in half with that thingAdrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Or lose a finge Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Or all of them Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Which is why we train with lower-power sabers before making our own. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): I assume that means it would almost cut you in half?Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): No. It means it wouldn't cut through much of anything. Just hurt a bit. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): So like rubber bullets? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Which are things you shoot out of a gun that could kill somebody, but instead made of rubber? Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): ...Your weapons shoot actual objects rather than beams? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Yep. We use lasers for cutting things. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): That sounds even more cumbersome than the blasters here, and I hate using those. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Well, they're heavy and rip the shit of your ears. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Far worse than what troopers use here then. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): And reloading is hard when a crab the size of a watermelon is jumping at your face. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): That's the other nice thing about a lightsaber. Because of how the blade works, the power cell will last for years. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Well, we didn't reload our swords... Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): But certainly the blades broke? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Yeah, but you couldn't just slap another blade on it. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): And I'm not insinuating you could. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Though that would be an interesting idea. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): You could use gorilla glue- Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Then why did you bring it up when I was talking about reloading? Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): ...My brain works in stupid ways sometimes. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): There was a connection that made sense to me. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): *you can see a headcrab crawl out of my backpack and growl* Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): ...You kept one of the fuckers. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): ...they're cute when they aren't trying to kill you. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *tenses up, his eyes on the creature* Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Don't worry, it can't turn you into a flesh craving freak. One of the scientists at Black Mesa "debeaked" it. Can't do that shit no mo' Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *nods and reluctantly powers down his saber* Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Well, I'm gonna try to get a house and find out what this thing can eat. Thanks for the info. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): No problem. You want my advice on that matter? Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Well, it's better than going in blind. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): I don't know if they're on the waterfront near Theed Palace but I know there are mollusks the Gungans eat. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Gonna write that down, thanks. Whatever doesn't poison it is fine, from what I've seen. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Though, it mostly ate dead Black Ops and vortigaunts. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): And whatever I could win out of the snack machine. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): Hey, I'm just giving suggestions. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): I get carried along sometimes. Probably from my mom. Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *suddenly the comm on his belt beeps, and he answers it--the flickering blue hologram is a regal woman in her mid-20s* Your Majesty. I realize I'm late; tell Talon I'm aiding a newcomer. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Is that the President? Darth Trayous (M Human OC, fair skin, brown hair/eyes, black saberstaff, ask for further desc): *the woman looks a bit confused at the assumption, but smiles when she remembers the concept* Yes, I suppose that would be the best-fitting description. But my official title is Queen. Adrian Shephard (will shoot srpers on sight): Oh, then hello, Mrs. Queen! *salutes* Suddenly, the queen was assassinated by a wildebeest, Trayous looking on in horror as the assassin tore out her entrails and ate her kidneys. He rushed to help, dropping the holo thing, leaving Adrian to stare blankly in confusion. Adrian x Moose I Adrian "Shepdidodosurrogationdo" Shephard was looking at ants when he heard a strange noise. He turned around, and saw Combine soldier eating moose. "no moose eat" Adrian said, shooting combines. He then made children with eated moose. The end. Adrian x Moose II: The Combine Strikes Back It had been two months since Adrian had found, saved, and mated with an eated moose (in that order). They had glorious little moose babies, one with a gas mask head with Adrian's eyes. They lived in a log cabin near White Forest, where Adrian was cooking breakfast for his moose family. He cracked open some eggs and dropped them into a steel pan, drizzling some olive oil and kosher salt all over them. He hummed the tune of Sweet Home Alabama as he flipped them eggs like Duke Nukem flips some nukems. His moose husband was still half eated, and for good reason, because he was eated by a combine soldier. Who was diddly darn dead in the dirt. Adrian did respectfully bury him and his comrades behind the cabin, since they didn't choose to join the Combine Remnant. They were kidnapped by wild hillbillies and sold off to the Combine. Meanwhile, a Combine assassin scouted the area. "big moose" she said, running around and looking around like a one two pie. "bazinga" she said, upon spotting the cabin. "calling in omega Charlie force delta niner 1" she said into her walkie talkie. "k" said a combine soldier on the other end, sending in an invasion force made up of Combine Elites, some cremators, and ComMan (the Combine version of Superman). "Doodadeedahdoo, servin' it up, moose's way." Adrian said, as he slipped a fried egg onto Eated Moose's plate. "appreciative moose sounds" said the moose. "You're welcome, sugarbeans~" he said, blushing at the moose's kindness. Adrian's pet headcrab nudged at his feet, in an attempt to get food. "shut" said Adrian, who then fed the crab a human carcass he found under the floorboards. Suddenly, the Combine attacked. Adrian gasped, as the Combine broke through the window and shot Eated Moose dead. "NO!" Adrian screamed, the love of his life dropping to the floor, deceased. "YOU MONSTERS! HE WAS JUST A MOOSE!" he screamed, pulling out two MP5s and opening fire into the invasion force. Soldier after soldier dropped like flies, the kids fleeing to their moose room. "I'LL KILL EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU STUPID FUCKS!" Adrian screams, throwing one gun at a soldier, breaking his genitals, and punching an elite, breaking his eye thing. He then pulled out his lightsaber, slicing through the Combine like cheese. "FUCK YOU! AND YOU! HOW ABOUT YOU, TOO??" he screamed, slicing a Combine's head off. "pls don't kill am just combine I no did nothing" said a Combine shotgunner. Adrian felt guilt in his heart, as he didn't think to calmly ask the Combine if they just wanted to talk about their feelings instead. He dropped to his knees and hugged the soldier, sobbing into the soldier's shoulder. The soldier hugged him back, comforting him with sweet words of wisdom. ComMan then flew away and became the king of France. Adrian x Moose III: Return of the Moose It had been several months since the battle. Maurice Steak, the Combine shotgunner, had fallen in love with Adrian, the falling in love event mutual and transcending the poop barrier. They were cuddling on the couch, while the moose kids starved to death as they locked themselves in the moose room on accident. The Combine soldier was so big and strong, like headcrab guts, and it comforted Adrian to be in the soldier's warm, thick arms. Suddenly, Charles Stiles from Mystery Diners enter the cabin, and brutally murders Adrian's cactus. "i've placed a camera in your mother" Charles said, laughing like a cruel being in the tendencies of which are known in the raccoon mouse. "mY CACTUS YOU SICK FOK" screamed Adrian, breaking into tears as Maurice held him close, protecting him from the strange man. "hinauahaAA"said Charles, which was a spell that teleported them to Judge Judy's courtroom. "HE KILLED MY CACTUS" said Adrian. "THAT CACTUS WAS HARASSING MY ASS IT WAS SELF DEFENSE" said Charles, the lying fuck. "ok so now charles stiles killed ur cactus and ur mad correct" asked Judy. "correctamundo" said Adrian, who wiped the tears from his gas mask. "WELL THEN FUCK YOU ITS JUST A STUPID GODDAMN CACTUS YOURE WASTING MY TIME YOURE WASTING HIS TIME YOURE WASTIN YOUR TIME YOURE WASTIN GODS TIME YOURE WASTING MY TIME TO SUCK YOURSELF OFF" screamed Judy. This made Adrian sob, dropping to his knees and screaming. Batman appeared, breaking Judy's skull by bashing her head into a television. "SOTP RIOGJHT THERE CRIMINALS CUM" said Otis Laurey, who was Judy's security guard, pulling out a donut. "ASIOPJFPJIAEJFPMAIOJAJKTKIJMT" said Batman, smacking Otis, knocking him out. Adrian and Maurice ran away from the building before it exploded, finding themselves back in the cabin. "Oh Maurice, I fucking love you." said Adrian, making out with the soldier and making cute Adrian moans. Judge Judy watched from the distance, hiding in a bush, planning her revenge..... Category:Blog posts